Just tellll meeeee

How do you know what the next move is supposed to be?

How do you know what to do to make everything better? I hate getting mixed signals from people. I just want you to tell me how to act to keep things happy and good. I don't want to figure it out on my own, I don't want to worry about what you think of what I'm doing. Just...give me the answers. This post was brought about by a certain situation, but I think I always feel a little like this with everyone. I just want everyone to be happy, to feel good and for that to happen because I'm doing something right.

So, boy. How do I do that for you? Do you want me there or not? Because I'm getting both signs. Right now it's more "Go away" which makes me sad, but then it switches. Please make up your mind. If you want me here, here I am. I've been here... If not, then just let me know please. I'll go back to friend mode, I promise. It'll be hard and I'll be sad, but I'd rather have you here than not.

Grr grr grr. This is why I'm a relationship girl. I can't deal with flings and wondering and blah blah blah.

Life is hard sometimes.

Underwater.

I have been so irresponsible and lazy and unproductive this year. But the scariest part is that I haven't seemed to care. I have lost all passion for anything. I'm just existing. I want to do well in school and be good at the trumpet and have a clean apartment and make money but I just DON'T CARE. I don't know what's going on. Is this what depression is? I am honestly asking that. Because if it is I need to fix it. Where in the past year did I lose my will to do everything and do it well? Where did my passion for making music go? Am I in that much over my head? I don't think I've ever felt like this before. I just keep breaking down over and over in every part of my life. How do I fix it?

Concerned.

Why do the people I care about seem to always end up shutting me out of their lives? I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I always am reaching out and nothing is there. It's happened before, and it seems to be happening again. What am I doing wrong here?

Wow. Not ok. I cannot, I CAN NOT keep doing this. I will not keep taking care of people like this. It is not my responsibility, I have enough to worry about. No. Enough.

Random update

Umm... hi.

Life is confusing right now. Not sure what I want.

Been really sick lately, thought I was getting over it, but it's just morphed really. It started out being really tired, developed into a fever, then sinus issues (congestion, severe pain), moved to the throat, then day long migraines. I can only hope it's not the H1N1 (someone semi close to me has a confirmed case...) Probably just gross illness...yes...please?

Also been thinking about M a bit recently. He randomly pops in and out of my life, and in a more significant way a week or so ago. He was in IC and suggested hanging out. Unfortunately, we couldn't work anything out and we went the whole day without seeing each other. I was pleasantly surprised he came out and suggested we hang, since all the previous times I've suggested it he's been reluctant or just won't at all. And then *poof* he's gone again. Back into the woodwork. I just don't get him. I really would like to get back in touch and see how he's doing, be civilized, even become *GASP* friends. I just don't understand that boy. I used to, it's been too long I suppose.

I was gonna write about B but now I've changed my mind. Sorry. It's at an awkward point right now. We split but are hanging out and blah blah blah I just don't feel like explaining to you right now so THERE.

I'm just at a place right now I guess. I really just want to be content and happy, and I'm experimenting with how to make that happen. I haven't figured it out, and I'm trying different things, I just hope nobody gets hurt in the process. But damn it, I've done so much for other people, and sacrificed my happiness for other people I deserve some too, right? YES.

What an odd post. Eh.

Huh.

Sometimes I start thinking too much and wonder what I'm doing with my life. Other than going through motions day to day, going to class, going to rehearsal, la la la. What's next?

F F F Freakout

So it's been a really long time since I've had a bad freak out. Like overwhelmed-can't-function-freak out. And then today it happened. Overly stressed out afternoon, then having to deal with being responsible at HMB rehearsal. As long as I'm in control of things, it's usually alright, but I showed up, totally flustered, not sure what was happening and I just freaked. Like literally, standing in the middle of everyone pulling my hair, not being able to speak really. People would ask me questions and all I could say was "I don't know".

You'd think by now I'd learn to take on less responsibilities, but no. I take them all on and then I have to be amazing at all of them. It's part of my OCDness, I'm sure. But I get so nit-picky about everything I do until KABLAM explosion in my face. Roar for sure.

Anyway, I think I really might start blogging again. And I think all of you who used to should too. I miss reading about your lives. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARRRRREEEEE.

The L Word

And no, I don't mean "lesbians". I don't have a blogs worth to say on that topic. Shucks.

No, I'm talking about L O V E. Love is awesome, I love lots of things and lots of people, but when it comes to using the L word with significant other, I am very very picky. Let's check out scenario #1.

The first time the L word came up with a bf was actually with M. We were having some argument or some disagreement or something. I think I was maybe hurt by a situation...NO WAIT. I always remember. We were all hanging out and such, when M got a phone call from one of our mutual friends. We were in the car and he was talking to her and blah blah, but it came time for him to get dropped off. Instead of saying goodbye, maybe saying "I'll call you back" he just sort of left the car as I waved a sad goodbye. Off topic much? Yes. Where were we.

So M is apologizing later, he's so sorry, he didn't mean to, don't be mad because HE LOVES ME. And we forgive and get over it, because it's not a huge deal in the first place but woah woah woah let's go back to that, M.

And I believe if I remember correctly, our conversation was something like this.

J - "You said you loved me. I don't think you really mean that." ( I forgot to mention we'd been dating, what.. 1-2 months maybe? I don't remember)

M - "Well, I don't know. I guess I probably don't, I just wanted you to know how I felt and how sorry I was" (Sorry, M, this does you no justice. You were very awesome about it.)

J - "I really like you too, but love is a really strong and meaningful word. I want to make sure that means something more than just 'I like you a lot', ya know? (So this is probably inaccurate. Shut up, I do what I can.)

Anyway, the moral of this conversation. "I L Y", in my opinion, is way way way overused. So much that it has lost a bit of it's meaning. I take L seriously, yo. And it's so very easy to fall into the I Love You trap. Someone says it to you, and you feel pressured to return that. Not because you maybe feel that way, but because you don't want them to feel unloved.

So M and I didn't say ILY. We just said "love". Just the plain word. It was our way of reminding ourselves that we care, but still recognizing how important that ILY is. And when I did say ILY for the first time to him, it was natural and easy and felt perfect. That's how ILY works. You don't say it because you feel like you should or need to or have no other adjective to describe it. ILY is reserved for more than that. I can't describe what that is, because let's be real - love is different for everyone. And sometimes you think you're in love and it turns out false. Anyone who has been a reader for my blog for any amount of time can probably guess where that's coming from. I guess false is the wrong word for it. It turns out ... spoiled. It gets lost. That's what happened with M. It got lost, stretched too far, damaged. And once that happens, the chances of repair don't look good.

So where is this coming from, you ask? Well my flavor of the week B (just kidding! - he's super awesome and I'll probably write a more in depth post soon) used the big ILY and I did not handle it with such grace as the first time. In my defense, I was mostly sleeping and wasn't on my damage control game. Yikes. "We don't say that" is probably not the best response. But in his defense, I know it was coming from a good place. I think this is a case of "I don't have a good adjective to describe this awesomeness that is JOTHP" Duh.

But in all seriousness, this post is mostly for B (Hi B!!!) because I am not always the best at letting words come out eloquently. I'm much better at writing them. And also just to share some opinions? Yeah? No?

Blog, you tire me out. It is 12:15, I should be sleeping. I still love you though.

I have a headache and it's late, but remind me to talk about the L word soon. It will be a good one, i think.

Sorry.

Hey Blog.

Sorry I forget you exist. I guess I just don't need you like I used to. There are way less terrible things in my life. This is a good thing no?

But I still understand why you're feeling slighted. You're right, we did used to have something special. I know I used to write to you every day in cryptic posts with hidden messages. I know, I know. I miss you too.

But every time I promise I'll write more, I never do. So I might write in you soon. But I don't know!

Love, Jessica

Hey blog.

Life is kind of hating on me right now. I'm sure it's gonna be a great learning experience..but..I think it's going to end in a mental breakdown.

I don't know how I'm going to get by this year. I will be working at least 3, more like 4 jobs this semester. I'm living somewhere that I realize I can't really afford, hence the 4th job. And I just know I'm going to end up taking on way more than I can handle.

I'm broke, I'm in debt, I can't say no, I can't ask for help, I don't want to live in this apartment, I don't want to live with these people (even though they're my friends and I love them), I want to be taken care of, I want to live by myself, I want to graduate on time.

This will be a rough year. Maybe I'll use this more, but most likely I'll be too busy.

Dear Blog,

I forgot to tell you, I'm over it.

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Kind of like gelatin

I get the missing your ex thing, but this is just getting ridiculous.

M and I broke up over a year ago, last last March. And it wasn't an easy break-up for me, previous blogs will reveal this. But I've moved on. Except every once in a while I'll get very sad, and I'll miss him. And it's not just me! Because we've talked about it. We've talked about how we miss the old stuff, but know we can't get back together because it's too weird. We broke up for a reason, right? A lot has changed since then, but we still broke up for a reason, right?

And how could it work, living so far away. I'm the type of person that needs to be near, at least near enough to easily get to. I know some people can do the long distance thing, but I'm not sure if I could. I probably could, but it would be very hard, especially beginning a "new" relationship apart.

It's just very weird. I don't want to date him, but I kind of do sometimes. Every once in a while. But I think it's just me looking in the past, back when we had a really great relationship. I think that's what I miss. That is what I miss. And as much as I would love to have that again, I don't think it's possible. But still, that small parts of me yearns for it. And it makes me do silly things, like text him and tell him I miss him. WHYYYYYYYYY?!?

Relationships are slippery business.

summertime

So for once I don't have a thousand things to do, so I decided to just write. Who knows what will happen!! Golly gee!!!!

I'm wondering what's going to happen this summer. I don't really have friends in Iowa City anymore. They all went home! And I have friends at home...but I won't be there. It's feeling a little depressing right now, but I'm sure I'll find hope. I'm going to be working at the Iowa Children's Museum almost full time, being a counselor at the Iowa summer music camps in June, and beginning my HMB librarian job in August. Busy much?

I can do busy. What I can't do is people-less. I'll have my family, since I'm living at my aunt and uncle's house. They're expecting a baby soon, so that should bring some excitement. I just won't really have people my age. They're not going to be right there like they have been all my life. Right in my town, right across the river, right in my dorm for goodness sakes. And now they're miles...literally, miles away. One of my best friends that I've been so grateful to have acquired this year lives 40 miles away. Yeah, that's drivable. But really, I'm going to have to have a couple days off work to really make it worth it. And then there's the driving (hey guys, gas is still expensive...). It will be difficult.

Not to mention my family. Mostly my siblings. Mostly my brother. He is really upset that I'm not home anymore. I feel terrible. I've always been a second mother to him. I've taken care of him since he was born, really. Long story. Too long for this post, and far too personal for the tone I'm going for. I want to be there for him, but I know I'm doing the right thing by staying here.

I think.

Anyway, since I'll be sad and alone this summer, you can expect much postage. Hooray?

We'll see. I'm curious to see who still follows me. So this is a test! Yay!

Remember when I used this?

Yeah, me too. Sorry.

I'm afraid my blogging family has died. :(

Cultivate sage!

I read a quote today--

"However mean your life is, meet it and live it: do not shun it and call it hard names. Cultivate poverty like a garden herb, like sage. Do not trouble yourself much to get new things, whether clothes or friends. Things do not change, we change. Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts." Henry David Thoreau

For some reason I have been thinking about this quote since I first read it earlier today. I think it's because of something someone recently said about me. Someone I was very close to in the past said "I don't like the new Jessica. I don't even know you." I don't feel different at all. I want to say things are just different between us. But the quote is right. Things don't change, people change. Things are not the same because I have changed, they have change. We all go through change, good or bad. Something one person views as a positive change, others view as a negative. But in the end we must preserve our self. Not change because others want us to. "Sell your clothes, but keep your thoughts."

Something else has struck me about the quote, though. "However mean your life is, meet it and live it." There are a lot of things we can say to complain about our lives. Even the most priveliged people find something wrong with theirs. But Henry has some sound advice. Meet it and live it. Stop complaining and do something.

I'm just inspired today. I can only hope this jolt of motivation can last.

It doesn't matter how long the relationship lasts, breaking up always sucks.

Dear Bloggers

I have not slept yet. Something is seriously wrong with my sleep cycles. Because I layed in bed for 4 hours willing myself to sleep and sleep would not come. In fact, I am wide awake. What the heck?!?

Winter Break Overview

Hi, it's been awhile.

Tampa was AMAZING. I've never seen such white, soft sand in my whole life. I got goosebumps marching with my squad at the bowl game. Who gets goosebumps from marching band? It was that cool. It also makes me sad knowing the season is officially over. Once the games were over, I could at least look forward to the trip. I've made such amazing friends in marching band, some I may never see again, or will at least have to wait a long time to see again.

On a different note, I'm ready to go back to school. Mason City makes me feel so lazy. At first I was welcome to having no real responsibilities, but now I'm bored. I sit around my house all day. My friends have disappeared, have gone back to school, or just choose to disassociate themselves. What is here for me? My family, I suppose, but they are starting to bother me. I have had a taste of freedom from home. Now, Mason City, this house...it doesn't feel like home anymore. It's a really weird feeling. I'm definately rethinking if I should even come home for summer break. I could easily get a job in Iowa City, take some summer classes, live at my aunt and uncle's house until we get our apartment set up (btw, I'm living in an apartment next year!) I'm not sure what to do at this point. I love my family, and I have so many memories here, but it's not my home anymore. Too much has changed. Too many friends gone. I'm not trying to be a complainer, just letting it out, I suppose.

I'd really like to write about something else, but I think I'll let that simmer a little longer. Hope your winter break was all you could hope for and more. It was nice seeing some of you that I don't get to see too much at the Alumni party!