I'm still alive.

Sorry to have been absent so long. I suppose I have been swept up in the collegiate spirit!

I sit with you now and face 2 auditions, one in a half hour and the other a half hour after that. I'm freaking out, to say the least haha. High school was familiar. I knew I would make the top band. It just mattered what chair. Now...not so much. I find myself second guessing my abilities. The players above me scare the hell out of me. I want to find famiarity again.

And in more sense than one. I'm missing my posse...my friends that know everything about me already, where I don't have to explain myself. "Hi, I'm Jessica Palmer. I'm from Mason City, IA and I'm a Music Education major. I play the trumpet." I miss having all my classes in one building (really!)and knowing I'll make it there in time. And honestly (please don't take this in the wrong way) I miss people knowing who I am. I'm a tiny speck here. I'm going to have to work very hard to make a name for myself here, and more than likely, it won't really happen.

I can't wait for a break. Sunday won't come fast enough!

College isn't so bad...

Wanna know something really cool?

I've met a lot of people this week. And I mean a LOT. Wanna know the best part? The ones I really like and look forward to seeing again don't or very rarely drink. They're nice to me and genuinely want to help me with stuff. Tonight a guy from the trumpet section helped me rearrange my schedual so I didn't have to take a 7:30 am rhetoric class. A bunch of them walked home with me from night games so I didn't have to walk by myself.

It just makes me happy that somebody can maybe live up to the standards that my best friends are at. :)

And yeah, they're boys. I guess they just make good friends for me, huh?

IMB

Wanna know what college marching band is like?

We started off the day by running 3 laps of the practice field (which is identical in size as the stadium).

They don't mess.
I feel my all my muscles getting sore already.
Did I mention they high step here?

What did I get myself into?

Moving Day

It hasn't even hit me yet. I said goodbye to my friends last night and I didn't even cry. It didn't even register that I might not see them again for a really long time. I feel so weird right now.

I'll probably write more later.

2 days

I'm getting scared now.
I know I'll be ok, but I'm still not ready to leave.

I visited the MCHS Marching band yesterday. I never realized how much I missed that. I wanted to get up on the podium! I miss seeing all of you little ones!! I can't believe it will never happen again. Not like this anyway.

I never thought I'd admit it, but I MISS HIGH SCHOOL!

I DID IT!

So?
What do you think?

Newest Me.

I believe this has been the most confusing, awkward, heart-breaking, angry, self-destructing year of my life.

I believe it's time to begin anew.
I'm very excited to focus all my time and energy on music and self renovation.
I'm stoked to find more people who get my goofy music references (I say more because I have a few who already do -- I love you guys!)

I'm afraid I won't be able to find friends who get me like you guys do.
I'm really scared that my best friends will drift away from me. That they'll find better people than me.
I'm terrified I won't be good enough to pursue this musical career.

Promise you'll stick with me, faithful blog? I know I waiver and disappoint at times, but I am not perfect. I'm doing the best I can, but I choose poor outlets to deal with things. I'm working on it. It's more a self-esteem issue than anything else. And this fear of losing the people that are most valuable and important to me.

I REFUSE to be a drunken college student. And I WON'T lose my best friends. I AM a great trumpet player and I WILL be successful. End of story.

9 days...

Getting nervous.
Not packed yet.
I just want to spend as much time with the people I love as possible.

I know. Disappointed.

I realize some things I've done are very bad.
Disrespectful.
Irresponsible.
Just plain stupid.

But unforgivable?
Friends love you, no matter what.

Thanks for taking the time to talk with me.
You're still one of my very best friends.
Regardless of my poor decisions.

I do not know who I am.

Not totally depressing!

I do not need a boy.
(This is a lesson I have yet to master.)


I do need friends.
(This is much more important than a boyfriend.)



I'm working on it, ok?
I hope you acknowledge this and help me out.




Other than that, I'm ok.
Really :)

EDIT-
I should stop lying to myself.