Shiny and New.

I haven't updated for a few reasons.

It's kind of like after you tell someone something super personal late at night, then waking up the next day unable to look them in the eye.

I've been busy trying to live and be happy. And come to terms with the idiot things I did the other night. Supportive bf helps. So so much.

But mostly, someone who I thought might have changed and might have been somewhat supportive was very harsh about the last post. I was so upset I couldn't write for a few days. Not upset as in sad, upset as in angry. You have no right to talk to me that way, not when you abandoned me at one of the hardest times in my life after promising friendship. You couldn't even be civil with me, you couldn't even wait a week after breaking my heart before you had a date to prom. And let's talk about how you were emotionally cheating on me for god knows how long before hand. So no, you DON'T get to be harsh and act like you were so helpful in my life. You DON'T get to talk down to me like a child. You do not get to talk to me like that.

I've dubbed this the semester of good. It has to be. I've earned enough karma points by now, haven't I?

I did something bad. I hate me.

EDIT

I honestly don't know who I am anymore. I'm a shell of the person I used to be. I had so many dreams and goals and they're all going down the shitter. I'm failing classes because I don't have the will to get out of bed or leave my apartment. I was so mad tonight that I didn't let someone make a situation right and instead made it worse. Because I was stubborn, because he didn't read my fucking mind.

Who am I?

I cut myself tonight. On the inside of my thigh. With a razor.

I swore I would never do that again. I don't even know why I thought to do it, let alone go through with it. I haven't had any alcohol, so don't blame that.

Seriously. I promised myself it would never happen again.

Please don't comment on this, please don't try to "reach out" because you think you know me and can help. I'll probably just reject it and make it worse.

Lonely. EDIT

One of the more lonely times in my life these days is school breaks. It really makes me dread them, which is just sad. But everyone's gone. Everyone goes home but me it seems, mostly because it's a 3 hour drive, mostly because I don't even have a BED anymore. And I don't have anyone really left in Mason. A few people, but they're never around or don't want to see me.

During the day, I'm fine. I work, I go to class, I manage my alone time pretty well. It's right now, when I'd be making plans, when I'd be finishing dinner with M or getting ready with the roomie. It's jersey shore night and EVERYONE IS GONE. I just sit here listening to Pomplamoose with my enhanced hot chocolate. I've exausted hulu and youtube, I've almost reached the end of Regretsy and I'm just getting sad and lonely.

I miss my PEOPLE. That, and feeling like my life has purpose. But at least if my people are here I can pretend I matter.

Sigh.

EDIT

How can I be happy and depressed at the same time? I don't understand.