Merry Christmas Bloggers! :)

PRACTICE PAYS OFF.

Meet the newest member of symphony band.

:D

i thought this was fun :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXLh7FG_Aho

(same people as the "big hands" skit Michael found)

AH!

Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals



Will kill me.

Opportunity!

There's two trumpet chairs opening up for spring semester in Symphony Band...

...my audition is Monday!!

upDATe

Hi Guys.

Sorry for my leave of absence. I've been so freakin busy! Last week I had 3 concerts and with finals coming up, lots of studying to do. Anyway, here's what I've been up to:

School. Though I'm only taking a few "real" classes, they've proved to be challenging. By the time I'm finished rehearsing for ensembles and practicing for hours, homework just doesn't seem important. I can't wait to be done with general education.

Trumpet. Lessons, ensembles, just playing constantly. I don't feel like I've gotten any better, but perhaps I don't have very good judgement on that one. We shall see come jury time, which is not next Monday, but the one after that. Curious about juries? Feel free to ask.

Friends. I've made a few. More than I ended with in high school, which is few. This is probably because they don't know about my past. I simply get to start over, without them knowing my royal screw ups. It's nice. They're all very nice, and we've had a lot of good times so far.

Boy. Yes, I am currently dating someone. He's very nice, and we have good conversations. It's not very serious, but I think I'm ok with that. After a few really serious relationships and heartbreaking break-ups under my belt, I'm ok with casual and fun. I do miss having that strong connection though. It's just not there. Hmm.

Home. I've realized there's not a lot for me here anymore. I didn't have very many friends here in the first place, and the few that I really wanted to see kinda flaked out on me. A few have good reasons to (it's probably for the best right now anyway) and a few actually have made an effort to hang out (yay! thank you!), but most of the others apparently have better things to do or cooler people to hang out with. It's ok. I'm actually ok with it. I know where my true friends are. They are here for me, or will hopefully be here for me in the future. They should know I'm always here for them. I think they do, though.

For the most part, I'm doing ok. I don't feel like crying daily anymore, and I kinda like myself. There are things I still regret, choices I've made, how they affected people. I wish I was doing better in school. I wish I was a better trumpet player. But I'm doing ok. I've got friends who like me. I've got friends who LOVE me. I have a boyfriend who thinks I'm pretty neat. I've got a family and a place to come home to here in Mason. I've got a place to go home to in Iowa City too.

So yeah. Update. I'll try to do a better job, however with finals approaching, I'm not sure how that will work. We shall see I suppose.

Hope you all enjoyed your break!

THANKSGIVING BREAK!!!

Soooo in need of a break.
I hope to write a lovely long update post sometime.
Becuase I'll have time!

I've lost part of me.

What?

I can't make everyone happy.
I can't please everyone.
I can't do everything.
I can't agree to do everything.
I can't commit to everything.
I can't make everyone happy.

Why is this so hard for me? Why can't I do everything like I did in high school? It's not fair!!!

Why can't I play in every musical group?

You mean I have to tell so-and-so I CAN'T play in ____ for them?

What?
This will be a hard lesson to learn. :/

Yes.

What a cool feeling :)

I voted. And Obama won.
Seriously. Just participated in history.
HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!?

We just elected the first president of color.
Go America!

I voted!

Ouch.

Life is overwhelming sometimes, ya know?

School is going alright. I'm busy as hell, constantly. It seems like I always have somewhere I need to be or work I need to do. I'm ok though. I'll make it, because I always have. I thrive on busy.

I need to come to terms with the choices I've made. I made a choice to go one way, and no matter how much I regret it (which is pretty much daily), I've made a choice. I can't go back on it, nor could I really at this point. I'm so incredibly sorry, you. I let you down, I didn't give you enough credit. I miss you every day. I can't tell you how much I wanted things to work out. I can't believe I made such a crutial mistake. It will probably haunt me for the rest of my life.

On the other hand, I'm asking you to please still be there. Believe it or not, I consider you one of my best friends, even now. I feel like you're avoiding me, or maybe I just keep missing you. Either way, I feel so strange. Something is definately missing and I'm not functioning the way I normally do. I need my friend.

Hi Blog.

I'll write someday, I promise.
There's too much happening.
I can't write it all.
I don't want to write just a sliver, I want to put the whole thing down.

So I'm sorry.
I'll write again sometime.

I would really like to throw up all of what I'm feeling into this, but I don't even know where to start.

I didn't know.
I don't know what to do.

I'm ruining lives.

I don't know.
It's like I'm two different people.
I'm sorry.
I could choose the one you like the best.

I do wish I were different.
With stronger self-control.
I think with some motivation I can be.

I just need to find the right kind of motivation.
I believe that's where you come in.

Iowa vs. ISU

I love playing for a football team that wins. :)

LIFE?

Life is getting very strange right now. School is definitely keeping me on my toes. I have to play in trumpet seminar tomorrow and I'm quite nervous - playing in front of trumpet majors and professors (and Spencer!) is quite horrific.

I'm being pulled in several different directions and I'm not sure which one should win. Each has it's rewards and each has it's definite setbacks. I don't want to have to choose. I don't want to be stressed out anymore either. I want a break. I haven't had a weekend since I got here. Did I mention it's the Iowa vs. ISU game this weekend?!?

Which means I can't come home for MCHS homecoming. That hurts a lot. I promised numerous people I'd be there rooting for them. I really wanted to see how my marching band is doing. Because I still refer to it as that - my marching band.

I'm not sure where I am. Or who I am at this point. Or what to do.

I suppose I'll just keep playing my trumpet - that always pulls through for me.

Huh?

I'm not really sure what happened.
I'm very confused.

My new trumpet comes tomorrow though!

Horoscope

Gemini:
Put your arrangements in order, and invite everyone you enjoy to join in. A little romance will leade to a partnership that is above and beyond your expectations. Get your responsibilities out of the way early so they don't bog you down.

Interesting.

Realization day.

Bummer.
I miss some things a lot.

I'm still alive.

Sorry to have been absent so long. I suppose I have been swept up in the collegiate spirit!

I sit with you now and face 2 auditions, one in a half hour and the other a half hour after that. I'm freaking out, to say the least haha. High school was familiar. I knew I would make the top band. It just mattered what chair. Now...not so much. I find myself second guessing my abilities. The players above me scare the hell out of me. I want to find famiarity again.

And in more sense than one. I'm missing my posse...my friends that know everything about me already, where I don't have to explain myself. "Hi, I'm Jessica Palmer. I'm from Mason City, IA and I'm a Music Education major. I play the trumpet." I miss having all my classes in one building (really!)and knowing I'll make it there in time. And honestly (please don't take this in the wrong way) I miss people knowing who I am. I'm a tiny speck here. I'm going to have to work very hard to make a name for myself here, and more than likely, it won't really happen.

I can't wait for a break. Sunday won't come fast enough!

College isn't so bad...

Wanna know something really cool?

I've met a lot of people this week. And I mean a LOT. Wanna know the best part? The ones I really like and look forward to seeing again don't or very rarely drink. They're nice to me and genuinely want to help me with stuff. Tonight a guy from the trumpet section helped me rearrange my schedual so I didn't have to take a 7:30 am rhetoric class. A bunch of them walked home with me from night games so I didn't have to walk by myself.

It just makes me happy that somebody can maybe live up to the standards that my best friends are at. :)

And yeah, they're boys. I guess they just make good friends for me, huh?

IMB

Wanna know what college marching band is like?

We started off the day by running 3 laps of the practice field (which is identical in size as the stadium).

They don't mess.
I feel my all my muscles getting sore already.
Did I mention they high step here?

What did I get myself into?

Moving Day

It hasn't even hit me yet. I said goodbye to my friends last night and I didn't even cry. It didn't even register that I might not see them again for a really long time. I feel so weird right now.

I'll probably write more later.

2 days

I'm getting scared now.
I know I'll be ok, but I'm still not ready to leave.

I visited the MCHS Marching band yesterday. I never realized how much I missed that. I wanted to get up on the podium! I miss seeing all of you little ones!! I can't believe it will never happen again. Not like this anyway.

I never thought I'd admit it, but I MISS HIGH SCHOOL!

I DID IT!

So?
What do you think?

Newest Me.

I believe this has been the most confusing, awkward, heart-breaking, angry, self-destructing year of my life.

I believe it's time to begin anew.
I'm very excited to focus all my time and energy on music and self renovation.
I'm stoked to find more people who get my goofy music references (I say more because I have a few who already do -- I love you guys!)

I'm afraid I won't be able to find friends who get me like you guys do.
I'm really scared that my best friends will drift away from me. That they'll find better people than me.
I'm terrified I won't be good enough to pursue this musical career.

Promise you'll stick with me, faithful blog? I know I waiver and disappoint at times, but I am not perfect. I'm doing the best I can, but I choose poor outlets to deal with things. I'm working on it. It's more a self-esteem issue than anything else. And this fear of losing the people that are most valuable and important to me.

I REFUSE to be a drunken college student. And I WON'T lose my best friends. I AM a great trumpet player and I WILL be successful. End of story.

9 days...

Getting nervous.
Not packed yet.
I just want to spend as much time with the people I love as possible.

I know. Disappointed.

I realize some things I've done are very bad.
Disrespectful.
Irresponsible.
Just plain stupid.

But unforgivable?
Friends love you, no matter what.

Thanks for taking the time to talk with me.
You're still one of my very best friends.
Regardless of my poor decisions.

I do not know who I am.

Not totally depressing!

I do not need a boy.
(This is a lesson I have yet to master.)


I do need friends.
(This is much more important than a boyfriend.)



I'm working on it, ok?
I hope you acknowledge this and help me out.




Other than that, I'm ok.
Really :)

EDIT-
I should stop lying to myself.

INKED!

I've decided to get a tattoo. Nothing tacky, large, or embarrassing (I knew you'd be concerned). I'm not even sure what made me decide. I just figured I would get one someday. And I knew it had to be something meaningful. I believe I have found a symbol I can never regret.

As to the whereabouts of said tattoo, I couldn't tell you. I've found a good ink pen and have been drawing to the best of my ability on various places of my body. Weird? I know. But how else could I decide?

I'm curious to hear what you all have to say (all, what, 4 of you?) about tattooing, this particular design, or anything else. I promise to not be offended!

This is one of the strangest posts I've ever written.

Oh woe is me.

Why can't I win?
:(
I hate dating.



I'm done complaining now.

FINALLY

I had a really good night.

:)

PostSecret hits home.

I saw this today and I felt my stomach drop and my heart in my throat.




This is everything I felt and never knew how to say. The whole time I was so sad inside. You could never had known, because I never opened up to you about it. I made excuses. I'm so sorry.

Now that I'm learning to love myself, you're gone.

It still hurts sometimes.

BUT

I'll be ok.

Yikes!!

I am very afraid for my face.

I played my trumpet today for the first time since July 3rd. I can play fine (just normal face-that-hasn't-played-in-awhile), except for when I try to play high, the holes in my mouth don't feel good at all. I envision playing a high note and the pressure from that will cause my gums to explode and blood to flow from the wounds like flood waters. So I only played for about 5 minutes today. I have a pretty important rehearsal on Monday and even more importantly, a concert on the following Sunday. Besides that, I have some pretty important auditions coming up and I just hope getting these damned teeth out hasn't spoiled my chances making the good bands/orchestras. I'm extremely stressed out over it. I'm not sure how to solve the issue.

Are any of you dentists? Please help!!

Toothless

I got all four wisdom teeth out today.

Ugghhh.

Thank goodness for pain medication!


EDIT

No, do NOT thank goodness for medication.
Now, along with my swollen face, I'm nauseous.
YAY....

Things in (or is it on?) my mind.

Hello.

I'm feeling very peculiar lately. I'm not miserable, not totally overjoyed. Not really content, but not overly motivated to change anything. I'm sorta just chillin. Don't really know how to feel about it...

This weekend I'm going to Chicago with two of my best friends. It will be the first time in a while that our trio will come together and spend some serious quality time with one another. Many events, both positive and negative, have sort of separated us a bit. We're always there for each other, but it will be nice to just hang out again. I am very excited. I hope they are too!

The last municipal band of the season is this week. I'll be sad to see it pass, but I'm sure I'll play again next year. Also, you'll be pleased to hear the dixieland rehearsal went much better this time around. We may have actually accomplished something! I think that will be decent.

Besides that, since the musical I find my days very pointless. Most days I sit around and watch TV. Or work. It's not that I don't have anything to do. In fact, I have a list of things I NEED to do. Like write thank yous. Or finish unpacking my room (that I've lived in for over a month now) . And I have a chair I'd like to paint! But instead, I watch stupid vh1 shows all day. Maybe tomorrow I'll accomplish something.

That's what's on my mind at the moment. I figured I should update a bit. I check every one's blog daily and I am sad to see no updates, yet I don't write anything myself.

So here ya go!

Tra la la

I really have nothing new to say right now. I just feel the need to post something!

Enjoy this photograph of Riverside Church (NY), where the Mason City Concert Choir sang two years ago!

A thought to ponder...

If you tell yourself something is true enough, does it in fact become truth?
Or does it ultimately result in meltdown?

Are you lying to yourself or are you encouraging a new behaviour pattern?

And are you really changing your behaviour/feelings or are you just masking them well?


Your thoughts?

Confessions? I can't think of a better title.

I am mostly posting this because of inspiration from another blog I read (thank you Michael).

Drinking is a huge part of high school. If you do it, if you don't, what you think of it; either way, it's a big part.

I personally am in a position most people don't find themselves it. I was against drinking for a very long time. In fact, when my close friends started doing it, we pretty much stopped being friends for a while. I still talk to them and get along with them, but we don't hang out besides that.

Last summer, during the musical, I was not feeling the best about myself. Instead of talking to my close friends or doing something positive, I decided to try it. Mistake #1. It was not a good experience, and it really screwed up things. I vowed never to do it again.

Mistake #2. M was out of town, and I really wanted to fit in. The "cool people" invited me to come.

Mistake #3. Things were not going so well between me and M. For some reason, I thought it would help.

That third mistake was probably a big factor in M's decision to end things. The third mistake lost me more friends than gained any. That third mistake caused me to have to earn respect from people again.

It's very easy to fall into the alcohol trap. I know I'm preaching to the choir here, because those who read it don't do it (you're my heros!), but take it from me. It's awful. It screws up everything that is important to you. It makes you do things you wouldn't ever do. You can lose everything, including your LIFE.

I may lose respect from some people by coming out with all of this. I regret doing those things, but I don't regret posting this. Maybe someone will take something from my experiences. Maybe I'll lose some respect. Who knows. I've changed a lot of things in my life since then. For the better. And it includes not turning to alcohol no matter what.

Thank goodness for blogs.

You said...

"Everything is going to be fine."

Ok. I'll believe you.

Order!

Perhaps my readers (HA...what readers?) would like something a little lighter to read. Less heartwrenching at least.

I am part of this dixieland band people have been trying to put together for years. As I drove to rehearsal today, I began to ponder how things would go. Naturally, I figured we'd have a productive, structured rehearsal, followed by a tight schedual of following rehearsals till the concert.

Not quite.

We really didn't get anything done besides murder the songs. I personally have know idea how to play dixie music. And it isn't the easiest to sight read. Not that I'm a particularly good sight reader. In fact I'm quite terrible. E'en so, (lord jesus quickly come...choir reference. I hope someone gets it...) it was very disorganized and I don't thing the leader really knew what to do.

I am a very organized person. Not necessarily when it comes to being neat with space and such. But I definately like to know what's going on at what time and all the details. In fact, a few of my friends are going to Chicago in a few weeks and I'm freaking out over the details! Where we're staying, what we're doing, EVERYTHING. It's not that I'm uptight. I just don't like to go with the flow I suppose. Eh. That looks terrible typed out.

Perhaps I should relax more.

Speaking up.

My heart is broken.
And not because of the usual.

My friends, the ones who are supposed to be the closest to me, have found better things to do. This is the third night in a row now that I've called them and they either ignore me completely or have other plans. It hurts like hell that I'm not as important to them anymore.

Friend #1

I'm so glad you've found someone to be happy with. You haven't had the easiest year with that. I understand you guys need to spend time alone and such. But seriously. Lately, I've really needed someone to talk to and you aren't really there. You're off with her. Let me again say I have nothing against her and I'm very glad you are with her. But you're blowing me off and it hurts. I was there for you when you had troubles. I have sat and cried with you and now that I'm still dealing with things..I'm sorry. I don't want you to think I'm mad at you. I just miss my friend.

Friend #2

Things are weird. Don't think I don't realize...I've been up and down and clinging. I'm sorry I can't seem to get over you. I'm sorry I ruined a really good relationship. I hate myself for it. But you promised me things wouldn't change too much. You said you'd be here for me and said I was one of your best friends. I know I have complicated things too much lately. I haven't made anything easy on you. Believe me, I'm trying to figure things out. It would be a whole lot easier if I had my best friend on my side. I don't want to push you away anymore. So can you please let down your guard a bit? If I can't have you as a boyfriend, will you at least let me have you as a best friend?


This is the last real summer. And I'm very alone.
I'm longing for someone to reach out to me.
My arm is getting tired.

Hi out there...

I wish someone would read this.
I feel rather alone.
With no one to really talk to.

Breakthrough!

I think I finally can forgive for what happened. I know I've talked to K and M. I know I told you I forgave you. But I still felt that anger and hurt whenever I saw you together or thought about it.

I think I am (finally!) letting it go. How many times have I said that? Who knows. But I think this time, it's real.

Now if only I could figure out the rest of my life!

Wandering

I'm at a strange point in my life right now. I don't fully know where I am or what's going on. Normally, I HATE this. For some reason, I'm calm right now though. I know what I want, but it's just out of my reach. I don't really know what to do about it. I'm aching for more, yet content. What is going on? Perhaps some sorting would help.

Things I want:

To successfully graduate hs

To get on the right track

To be in a healthy, positive, relationship with M

To find a home for my cat

To have a positive self image

To find out what faith is

To be a better, nicer, more generous version of myself

Things getting in my way:
Pride

Stubbornness

The past (especially with M)

Slackerness of senioritis

Worrying about things I can't control

Bitterness

What I can do:

Try faith

Worry less

Keep trying with M - I know this will work and I know with M on my side, I can accomplish more
Find someone who wants a cat to love

Think before I speak

Let go of the past

This is very inspiring to me. I need to jump.

Prom was awesome. I told someone it was the best dance I've been too. And it wasn't really the dance, or the food, or the fun. It was the person I spent the whole night with. You made it special and worthwhile. I know things are goofy with us right now. But none of it mattered there. I felt like you thought I was special and someone worth spending your time with. I haven't felt that in a long time. I hope I did that for you too.

I've heard from two people now that I'm trying too hard. I get it. I know it's not the best thing. But I can't always help it. I don't feel like I'm trying to hard. I feel like I'm showing you how much you mean to me. I feel like I'm doing things ok. I'm just anxious, that's all. I'm still praying that things work out. Every night. You have no idea what you mean to me.

So this post is for you. Thank you for prom. Thank you for understanding and being patient with me. Thank you for giving me a shot. You won't regret it.

Positivity

It's amazing what a little positive thinking can do. I had a very negative approach to the situation I've been facing. While I know things are not solved yet, and I have no idea how it will turn out, choosing to stay positive and believe has done wonders for my health. Mentally, physically, whatever. I am putting my faith into this, no matter the outcome.

Things have been going well!
I hope it continues. :)

Still hanging in there.
Waiting for what I hope will happen.

And staying positive...

OK

is getting better.
still hopeful,
just not crazy.

still praying and wishing.
but not being a total psycho about it.

...i think about you all the time though...

Good day

I feel good today.
I'm still praying.

I keep your letter right here at my desk.
So I don't forget what's at stake.
To remind me to become this better person I'm on my way towards.

I'm staying positive!

Light

I know you're confused.
You make me confused too.
Not about what I want, but about how you feel.
You knew that though.

One minute I get a YES and then the next a NO.
oaiytnauiebygaidyfd
Yes, it's frusterating. But I'll be patient.
I've waited a week, I can wait a while longer.

I'll keep trying.
Putting myself out there.
It hurts.
Knowing I may get turned down in the end.
But it's worth it to know there's a chance.

I'll be praying the answer is Yes.

i'm going crazy.
i can't stand it.
i can't take it.

i don't know what else to do.

help.

Ahhh...

I can't seem to sleep anymore lol.
However, I've been getting pretty good ideas as I lie in my bed non sleeping.

I bought August Rush today. I love that movie. It makes me happy.
Life's too short you know?
I realized that today.
I don't want to waste my time anymore.
I'm not a very good person.
I'm sick of being me.

I think I need to fix this.
Will you help me?
I think you can fill this hole
and propel me along my path.
Besides,
it's always easier when you have a hand to hold.


I need to stop posting like this.
I'm sorry, but I just can't stop thinking about you.
But it's either this, or call you.

And it's a little late for that.

Today I thought of when you and I went to A-land for the first time.
And fed the fishies.
I meant what I said.
I still do. Let's go back in time.
I know I can take you there.

one hour at a time

i keep waiting for the days to get easier.
they do, a little bit, i suppose.
they still seem so empty.

i hope you're thinking about me.

One small step for Jessica...

i went to church this morning.
i was nervous to go.
it wasn't scary though.

i wouldn't mind going again.

Everything is NOT ok.

You say it is.
But I am not ok.
You don't want me to be everything.
Ok, I won't.
You prayed for change, and I'm changing!
Why can't you see that?
You say I don't believe, and that's true.
But
I do believe in something else.
I wish you did too.
Because I'm falling apart.
Last night I had to force myself not to call you.
Because I knew it wouldn't do any good.
I'm begging you to give it a chance.

Two weeks ago you said you loved me.
I refuse to believe that you can just stop.