Better

This October, Matthew would have been 18.

How did I get here? How has it been 18 years since I remember my mommy coming home from the doctor's in tears?

How has it been 11 years since Jake was born, 16 since Erin?

How am I in my senior year of college?

I've disappointed myself. I knew better, and I allowed myself to become mediocre.

I am more than this. I may have found my great love, but I am more than this.

I need to be better than this. For my family, for him, for my friends,

FOR ME.

Day 2

Boyfriend left yesterday for Switzerland. For 6 weeks.

*Sob*

It's hard.

D.

Hello.

Quick note before I get going, my weight loss goal may need to be modified. Between stress and being poor, I don't eat the best and find it hard to get to the gym. The goal is still there, it just may take a little longer to reach. I'm not giving up.



I am really sad about my friend D. She is still dealing with a horrible, awful break up, and I don't know how to help. Part of it is that she doesn't want help from anyone, which I get. I'm the kind of person who doesn't want to be helped, who wants too keep everything locked up and not burden anyone. Part of it is not very many people know about the situation, and only she knows what it really feels like to deal with it. I can empathize, I can feel bad, I can try to put myself in her shoes, but I'll never really know.

We got in an argument last weekend. At least I think it was an argument. I don't really know how to describe it. I instigated a melt-down and I feel horrible. I never meant for things to get that out of hand. And when I tried to fix things, tried to make sure she was ok and not dead in an alley, it just got worse.

I just want to help. I just want her to be ok, to feel happy again and to be able to not feel the way she does every day. If I could, I would make everything better. She's so smart, I feel like she should be able to see that nothing about this situation/her ex/acting the way she does is good. But again, different shoes. I just can't wait for the day that her ex isn't around all the time. I feel like that would be the one thing that could help.

I heart you, D. And I refuse to abandon you. You are one of my People, and nobody messes with my People.

Some days.

Some days I feel like I'm not going to make it.
Some days I have complete clarity.
Some days I go through the motions.
Some days I do everything with purpose.
Some days I just cry.
Some days I can't stop smiling.
Some days I feel like I don't matter.
Some days I want to quit.
Some days I feel the world on my chest.
Some days I can't breath.
Some days I am barely alive.

But everyday I survive.
I guess that's the important part, eh?

Thoughts on Things

Today I showered in the dark. It was very relaxing.

I punched a boy in the face yesterday. It was rude and I apologized, but it felt great.

Boyfriend is going to Switzerland and I am happy for him, but also very nervous for the summer. A month and a half is a long time, and he is not the best at staying in touch while away. Everything will be ok, but I'm still anxious.

I am going to Brazil for two weeks in May and I am excited/nervous/pumped/freaked out.

I really like Pomplamoose radio on Pandora.

Alejandro looks pompous as shit right now. All up on his rock with his head in the air. Awesome.

I bought my sister the best birthday present I've ever been able to get her in like, ever. I'm really proud that I can finally afford to get her something nice.

I am going to go be with my friends now, cheers!

Ok, it's a real thing now.

I have set a pretty large goal for myself and I want to write about it here so it is real.

In May I am going to Brazil with the jazz band I play in. I know, pretty awesome. And while I was ellipticaling yesterday, I was thinking about it, picturing all the fun things we'll do and I was super pumped. Until I thought about the beach, and how I'd be wearing my stupid cover-up and making excuses for just sitting alone on my towel while everyone frolicked. Because I would be embarrassed about my weight.

And then I started thinking, what the hell, self. You're going to waste a perfectly amazing time at the beach just because you don't like to run and you have a hard time with self-control and food? No way.

And that's why I am going to lose 40 pounds by May 16th (the day before we leave).

Let's see what happens.

Shiny and New.

I haven't updated for a few reasons.

It's kind of like after you tell someone something super personal late at night, then waking up the next day unable to look them in the eye.

I've been busy trying to live and be happy. And come to terms with the idiot things I did the other night. Supportive bf helps. So so much.

But mostly, someone who I thought might have changed and might have been somewhat supportive was very harsh about the last post. I was so upset I couldn't write for a few days. Not upset as in sad, upset as in angry. You have no right to talk to me that way, not when you abandoned me at one of the hardest times in my life after promising friendship. You couldn't even be civil with me, you couldn't even wait a week after breaking my heart before you had a date to prom. And let's talk about how you were emotionally cheating on me for god knows how long before hand. So no, you DON'T get to be harsh and act like you were so helpful in my life. You DON'T get to talk down to me like a child. You do not get to talk to me like that.

I've dubbed this the semester of good. It has to be. I've earned enough karma points by now, haven't I?

I did something bad. I hate me.

EDIT

I honestly don't know who I am anymore. I'm a shell of the person I used to be. I had so many dreams and goals and they're all going down the shitter. I'm failing classes because I don't have the will to get out of bed or leave my apartment. I was so mad tonight that I didn't let someone make a situation right and instead made it worse. Because I was stubborn, because he didn't read my fucking mind.

Who am I?

I cut myself tonight. On the inside of my thigh. With a razor.

I swore I would never do that again. I don't even know why I thought to do it, let alone go through with it. I haven't had any alcohol, so don't blame that.

Seriously. I promised myself it would never happen again.

Please don't comment on this, please don't try to "reach out" because you think you know me and can help. I'll probably just reject it and make it worse.

Lonely. EDIT

One of the more lonely times in my life these days is school breaks. It really makes me dread them, which is just sad. But everyone's gone. Everyone goes home but me it seems, mostly because it's a 3 hour drive, mostly because I don't even have a BED anymore. And I don't have anyone really left in Mason. A few people, but they're never around or don't want to see me.

During the day, I'm fine. I work, I go to class, I manage my alone time pretty well. It's right now, when I'd be making plans, when I'd be finishing dinner with M or getting ready with the roomie. It's jersey shore night and EVERYONE IS GONE. I just sit here listening to Pomplamoose with my enhanced hot chocolate. I've exausted hulu and youtube, I've almost reached the end of Regretsy and I'm just getting sad and lonely.

I miss my PEOPLE. That, and feeling like my life has purpose. But at least if my people are here I can pretend I matter.

Sigh.

EDIT

How can I be happy and depressed at the same time? I don't understand.