Tra la la

I really have nothing new to say right now. I just feel the need to post something!

Enjoy this photograph of Riverside Church (NY), where the Mason City Concert Choir sang two years ago!

A thought to ponder...

If you tell yourself something is true enough, does it in fact become truth?
Or does it ultimately result in meltdown?

Are you lying to yourself or are you encouraging a new behaviour pattern?

And are you really changing your behaviour/feelings or are you just masking them well?


Your thoughts?

Confessions? I can't think of a better title.

I am mostly posting this because of inspiration from another blog I read (thank you Michael).

Drinking is a huge part of high school. If you do it, if you don't, what you think of it; either way, it's a big part.

I personally am in a position most people don't find themselves it. I was against drinking for a very long time. In fact, when my close friends started doing it, we pretty much stopped being friends for a while. I still talk to them and get along with them, but we don't hang out besides that.

Last summer, during the musical, I was not feeling the best about myself. Instead of talking to my close friends or doing something positive, I decided to try it. Mistake #1. It was not a good experience, and it really screwed up things. I vowed never to do it again.

Mistake #2. M was out of town, and I really wanted to fit in. The "cool people" invited me to come.

Mistake #3. Things were not going so well between me and M. For some reason, I thought it would help.

That third mistake was probably a big factor in M's decision to end things. The third mistake lost me more friends than gained any. That third mistake caused me to have to earn respect from people again.

It's very easy to fall into the alcohol trap. I know I'm preaching to the choir here, because those who read it don't do it (you're my heros!), but take it from me. It's awful. It screws up everything that is important to you. It makes you do things you wouldn't ever do. You can lose everything, including your LIFE.

I may lose respect from some people by coming out with all of this. I regret doing those things, but I don't regret posting this. Maybe someone will take something from my experiences. Maybe I'll lose some respect. Who knows. I've changed a lot of things in my life since then. For the better. And it includes not turning to alcohol no matter what.

Thank goodness for blogs.

You said...

"Everything is going to be fine."

Ok. I'll believe you.

Order!

Perhaps my readers (HA...what readers?) would like something a little lighter to read. Less heartwrenching at least.

I am part of this dixieland band people have been trying to put together for years. As I drove to rehearsal today, I began to ponder how things would go. Naturally, I figured we'd have a productive, structured rehearsal, followed by a tight schedual of following rehearsals till the concert.

Not quite.

We really didn't get anything done besides murder the songs. I personally have know idea how to play dixie music. And it isn't the easiest to sight read. Not that I'm a particularly good sight reader. In fact I'm quite terrible. E'en so, (lord jesus quickly come...choir reference. I hope someone gets it...) it was very disorganized and I don't thing the leader really knew what to do.

I am a very organized person. Not necessarily when it comes to being neat with space and such. But I definately like to know what's going on at what time and all the details. In fact, a few of my friends are going to Chicago in a few weeks and I'm freaking out over the details! Where we're staying, what we're doing, EVERYTHING. It's not that I'm uptight. I just don't like to go with the flow I suppose. Eh. That looks terrible typed out.

Perhaps I should relax more.

Speaking up.

My heart is broken.
And not because of the usual.

My friends, the ones who are supposed to be the closest to me, have found better things to do. This is the third night in a row now that I've called them and they either ignore me completely or have other plans. It hurts like hell that I'm not as important to them anymore.

Friend #1

I'm so glad you've found someone to be happy with. You haven't had the easiest year with that. I understand you guys need to spend time alone and such. But seriously. Lately, I've really needed someone to talk to and you aren't really there. You're off with her. Let me again say I have nothing against her and I'm very glad you are with her. But you're blowing me off and it hurts. I was there for you when you had troubles. I have sat and cried with you and now that I'm still dealing with things..I'm sorry. I don't want you to think I'm mad at you. I just miss my friend.

Friend #2

Things are weird. Don't think I don't realize...I've been up and down and clinging. I'm sorry I can't seem to get over you. I'm sorry I ruined a really good relationship. I hate myself for it. But you promised me things wouldn't change too much. You said you'd be here for me and said I was one of your best friends. I know I have complicated things too much lately. I haven't made anything easy on you. Believe me, I'm trying to figure things out. It would be a whole lot easier if I had my best friend on my side. I don't want to push you away anymore. So can you please let down your guard a bit? If I can't have you as a boyfriend, will you at least let me have you as a best friend?


This is the last real summer. And I'm very alone.
I'm longing for someone to reach out to me.
My arm is getting tired.

Hi out there...

I wish someone would read this.
I feel rather alone.
With no one to really talk to.

Breakthrough!

I think I finally can forgive for what happened. I know I've talked to K and M. I know I told you I forgave you. But I still felt that anger and hurt whenever I saw you together or thought about it.

I think I am (finally!) letting it go. How many times have I said that? Who knows. But I think this time, it's real.

Now if only I could figure out the rest of my life!