Nervous

How do you come to realize that you might be depressed?

Finals.

I am in hate with the next 3 weeks.

Just kill me now and make the pain go awayyyyyyy.

I will murder finals in their sleep.

Wine rambles

I am feeling dark and broodingy tonight. I'll sit alone in Iowa City with my bottle of wine and feel nothing and everything. My 4 foot christmas tree twinkles from the corner while Alejandro swims frantically. He always swims frantically, or sits on his rock unmoving.

This wine tastes like juice. It's Cranberry, from the Amana Colonies.

I'm generally happy. I mean, I'm kind of failing school, I work 3 jobs, I'm poor. But I'm generally happy. I shouldn't complain. There are people much worse off than me. I have good friends and a boy who loves me and a family who tries their best to support me, so I really can't complain.

Seriously, you need to try this wine.

I am underage. I am underage and drinking and that has made me some important enemies. But damn it, if I'm old enough to vote, to drive, to go to war and die, why can't I have a glass of wine at the end of the day? In the comfort of my own apartment? Let the police knock down my door.

I have a christmas tree. It's small and has a pretty silver star at the top. It has colored lights, but no ornaments. Yet.

I'm getting a new laptop. It's a MacBook Pro and it's pretty and I can't wait.

I'm going bowling now. Goodbye.

Dumb.

I'm sorry this is turning into a ranty blog, but I need to let out some steam.

I'm pretty easy to please as a girlfriend. So why do I feel annoyed/upset? My friends are having a study session at their house (also my boyfriend's house). He knows I know they're there, we discuss it. I say "What a fun party. I will just stay at home alone." (read: please invite me over, I am lonely). I get no response until "Hey, I'm going to bed, goodnight." AHHHHH

I don't know why this is getting me so upset, but seriously. THINK. PLEASE.

Friendship

At one point does being a good friend turn into being a third parent?

I've really been struggling with this lately. Yes, I know, I tend to be a little motherly and protective with my friends. Maybe that's where it all went wrong. But when does being nice and helpful turn into caring for and succumbing to every whim?

Let me elaborate.

I have a friend. She is my bestie and roommate, we get along really well. She is the baby in her family and the only girl, while I am the oldest and one of 2 girls. She's used to being taken care of, I'm used to taking care of people. Judge our friendship if you must, but it works.

Lately, bestie has had some problems with her boyfriend. And whenever she's upset, everyone else must be to. No matter how hard I try to cheer her up, talk to her, basically anything to make her feel less shitty, she won't budge - putting me in a sour mood for the rest of the evening. This was so bad last weekend that I was a total bitch to everyone around me because she put me in such a bad mood.

Last night, they broke up. I did the good friend thing, I sat with her while she cried, talked it out, tried to make her feel better. But we had to get up super early the next day, and I was already exhausted. I offered to have a sleepover in the living room, but she said she was fine. I felt extremely guilty going to bed, but I honestly couldn't stay awake any longer.

Today, the poor me attitude is out. Let's make me feel guilty because you only got 2 hours of sleep and are feeling alone. I get it, I've been there. But don't make me feel like crap, it's not my fault.

I've gotten to the point where I just want to get away. I'm constantly taking care of her, driving her places, cooking her meals, helping her with homework and her problems, basically being her parent, best friend, roommate, and therapist all rolled into one. And the worst part is that I feel like I owe this to her. She's helped me in many financially rough spots. Not 2 months ago I owed her over $800 (which I just finished paying her back last week!!!!), which makes me feel like helping her out is the least I can do. But am I being taken advantage of?

Am I a good friend or a personal slave?

Anxious

And all kinds of it. I want to be packed. I want to get moved into my happy, new apartment. Away from the toxicity of this place. I want to start the SAI website (waiting on Ms. President to finish the financial aspects). I want to see everybody from marching band because I truly love them all.

Life needs to move just a tiny bit faster right now.

Editing.

I'm building a website! I'm freaked out and excited and nervous and freakin pumped! I was elected Editor of Sigma Alpha Iota (the women's music fraternity [yes, I said fraternity, see * below] at the U of I). I've taken on way more than I even realized. Like creating a brand new website to represent us. And write a monthly newsletter. Oh, and be the public face of EVERY SINGLE WRITTEN THING. Nbd.

So, any advice? Or something. Idk.

Sweet.





*Yes, I'm in a professional fraternity. We don't have a house and we don't have sorority parties. We volunteer and put on concerts and raise money. It's neat.

chordae tendineae

... are the heart strings. They are real and very powerful.

I need another job.

Alejandro is basking in his artificial sun, it's freaking adorable. I've had him almost 2 weeks now! So proud of my little guy :)

Yeah man.

Things in my life:

- Alejandro is doing well. We've moved him into a 10-gallon aquarium, which is much better than the plastic tub he was temporarily residing in. I hope to see him grow bigger and live for many years.

- I saw The Drowsy Chaperone this past weekend. All I can say is bravo. I enjoyed the show so much, so so much. The cast was excellent, I am so proud of my Alma Mater. And my baby sis was in the chorus! I can't wait to see it professionally done sometime, though this MCHS performance will always have a special place in my heart. BRAVO!!

- The past 2 weeks were consumed by the Iowa Summer Music Camp. It was good, but man. Teenagers are draining.

- One of my roommates is awesome. One of them is not. Neither of them are actually here, living in the apartment this summer.

- I am very pleased with how my relationship is going. He came home to Mason City to see the musical with me. We did all the Mason City tourist-y things (which was actually pretty enjoyable and enlightening). He met more family (not my father though, thank the lord). As far as I know, it went well. I'm happy, I'm comfortable, and I feel like I'm being treated in a way I deserve to be. Any problems are minor, and are dealt with like adults and in a timely manner. I don't want to get toooooo excited but.... eeeeeeee!!!! :) :) :)


Today, I am apartment cleaning. Boring, but necessary. I feel like all I ever do on my days off is clean. BUT tomorrow I'm going to a baseball game tomorrow in Cedar Rapids with all my people. So, that will be awesome :)

Peace out for now.

Ale-ale-jandro, Ale-ale-jan-durroooooo

I really am a terrible blogger.

Please enjoy this photo of my new baby turtle I rescued, Alejandro:





I WILL post again.

Father's Day.

2 post secrets hit especially hard today:


And



I wish they weren't true for me. I don't want to talk to him today.

Inked: Part 2.

I've been contemplating getting another tattoo. I've been thinking about it for a little while now. Since last summer to be specific. But I'm not sold on what I want. Here's what I know.

Something small and simple.

I'd love something on my wrist, but that is a little too visual, especially considering my future profession. I'll have to settle for something less visible or at least something I can easily cover up when necessary.

For my late brother.

That being said, I've been throwing around the word potential. It's exactly what I think about when I think about Matthew. I always imagine what he would be like now, at 17. Probably kick ass, let's face it. But when I think of him, I get a surge to become the best person I can be. Because he didn't get the chance. I did.

So I'm thinking a few things. Maybe just the word "potential" somewhere. Or some sort of symbol meaning potential.

And I'm still throwing around whether I want his name/birthday attached to it or not. It's a good memorial, but I'm not sure I want everyone to immediately see that.

So bloggers, what do you think? I would love love love your opinion.

My choices

are mine. Only mine. Not your choices. And they are for me. Not for you, for me. Sometimes they are to make you happy, but sometimes they are for me. And this is one of them. It is mine. MY choice. If you don't like MY choices, you may leave. I'm not asking you to stay, I'm not asking you to like them. Respect my choices. They were made by me, for me.

My choices aren't for you. Not anymore.

Sometimes I get really excited and do fun things and OH LOOK A BUTTERFLY.

Let me begin with my newly finished (and possibly favorite) headband:



Now that we got that out of the way, I should tell you I ate chicken wings and ice skated today. Winnar right here. And I was going to blog about my roommate today, but I really don't feel like writing too much right now. My mood is too fantastic and I want to go play. Tomorrow, kiddies.

I watched Lost last night for no reason.

Posting every day is really hard. It didn't help that I spent my whole evening getting excited to see my boy (who I haven't seen since last Thursday) only to have him decide to go to bed upon his return to Iowa City. Booooooo.

..................

Yesterday I made headbands. Really weird ones. One has puzzle pieces, one has feathers, one has flowers (which I might add MORE flowers to), and the other that is still in process will be a stained glass look with tissue paper. I should add pictures? Ok. Please ignore the fact that I look like I just got out of bed, because I did. Like, an hour ago.







And an old button one I made, just because.



So hopefully those pictures worked? I forgot how to use blogger. Oh, and I don't want to mislead you. I watched LOST last night for the first time ever. I had never seen a single episode, but for some weird reason I decided to watch the finale. And I feel as though everything was summed up and I will never ever have to watch the entire show. Shortcut!

Situational depression is a real thing. I looked it up the other day and Google said so.

I know, I know, I know.

Sorry.

I went to visit my friend Michelle in Cedar Rapids and couldn't update. Unfollow me if you must.

............................................

I need a project. Or something to occupy my time. When I'm working or hanging out with friends, I'm fine. But when I have no work and my friends are gone (like this weekend) I get in little bouts of depression. I don't want to do anything, I feel sad and alone, and I end up wasting my whole day perusing The Internet or watching crappy TV marathons. I need a project.

I'll be working on a website here pretty soon, but we're kinda waiting to get approved and such. We have to become an official student org in order to get a FREE website, so that will rock I believe. Until then, there's not much. I can only practice trumpet so much before my face falls off.

So what do you think? What is a good summer project? Or any type of project for that matter. I'm all into trying new things.

Also I should ride my bike more. And start running. Running is really scary though. Me + Physical Activity = **EXPLOSION** I know some of you enjoy running (I'm talking to you, Liz!) so how can I get better/have motivation/not die/asthma /heart attack/omg I freaking died because you told me to run and I did but my sad little musician body couldn't handle it.

So yeah. Post complete.

The Iowa Children's Museum

I have the coolest job.

I encourage you, if you have the opportunity, to work at a children's museum. It may be the most rewarding job I have ever had. Today, I led a parade of children around the museum. Just because. it wasn't a holiday, I didn't get paid extra to do it. We just felt like having a parade today.

On a daily basis, I get paid to dress up as a super hero, make crafts, play with kids, dance around with them, and make them smile.

I don't understand why you haven't applied yet.

Also, I promise to share other hilarious stories about the ICM with you. For now, I'm off to the farmer's market and then to a staff meeting.

Let's do this.

Alright kiddies,

It's the first official day of summer. No excuses.

Summer Blogging Project 2010:

I'm not worried about blogging everyday. I used to do it all the time. It's about topic and content. I don't want to just describe my day every day with boring details. I want to accomplish SOMETHING. Maybe learn a little about myself? If nothing else, I can say I was able to do it.

So. My first REAL blog will be tomorrow. But, few readers, I would appreciate some prompts/advice/somethings. That would be cool :)

Ciao!

Hi.

Dear Readers,

Sorry for not continuing my last post. I will revisit when I'm ready.

I have a summer project in mind: regular, daily blogging. I used to do this. I think I should again.

I'll have to think of some fun things/motivation to keep me going.

Any ideas? Also, I might not be back till said project begins. We'll see.

Love, me.

Sometimes I just feel an overwhelming sadness.

I follow a blog about a couple who lost their baby 1 year ago today. I'll post the link at the bottom if you really care to know. And it amazes me how something like that happens to people, yet they manage to move on. Albeit, not entirely. How could you? And then I remember...

On October 9th of 1993 (I turned 3 in June of that year) my brother Matthew John was born. He had been diagnosed months earlier a trisomy, basically instead of one set of chromosomes, you have 3. You don't recover from it. My brother Matthew was still-born.

And while I was only 3 and I did not attend the funeral, one of my earliest memories is related. I remember playing at a family friend's house, presumably while my mother went to a doctor's appointment. I remember her coming to pick me up and being extremely sad. That's all I can remember, the overwhelming sadness.

Fuck. I'll write more later.

http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trisomy

Irrational.

I've fallen back into irrational thoughts.

I don't know why I always do this. It's so dumb, and it makes me sick. Like, physically sick. Stomach churning, migraine inducing, can't focus sick. It's always the same triggers too.

A) I think someone forgot about me - I'm sitting, waiting for someone to call me or text me about hanging out like they said they would. Or waiting to get picked up, but the person is late.

Thoughts: Where are they? What if they forgot me. Maybe they never wanted to hang out in the first place. They were just feeding me a line to make me feel better. They don't even like me.

B) I have to play in front of my peers and I don't feel %100 ready

Thoughts: They know I didn't prepare enough. They're all judging me. I'm a terrible trumpet player. Why am I even here, I don't deserve to be in this studio. I should probably give up.

C) "Significant Other" can't/doesn't want to hang out with me (this is the specific cause this evening)

Thoughts: Why don't they want to see me? What did I do wrong. Maybe he doesn't like me as much as I thought he did. What has he been doing weird lately...oh god. He was acting different [recent time we hung out] and [did some random thing I take as bad news]. He's going to break up with me. I can't go through this again.

And here we sit. Unable to focus on anything. Can't do homework, can't zone out watching the food network. I even tried transcribing choral pieces to brass quintets (one of my secret nerd pastimes). Nothing feels good, nothing works. I know I'm being stupid and irrational and weird. But I don't want to be clingy girlfriend. So I won't say anything. Maybe it's just because we've seen each other every day since we've started dating. But I'm going crazy. Fuck.

I am not crazy girlfriend.

But please make the pain stop.

!

Hey!

This is going to end up being an updatey post. There's no way around it. So let's go in typical OCD fashion and make bullet points!

Miami

...was awesome. Even though the weather wasn't %100 awesome, still waaaay better than the crap you had here. It was a short trip, and I think the trip to Tampa last year was more fun, but the Orange Bowl was awesome, the game was really good and we won! Can't complain too much.

School

I kinda sucked at school this past semester. Really bad. I tried to give myself an easier semester, but between getting sick a lot, dealing with personal situations, having no money, and just being in a really unfortunate place in my life, it didn't work out. But I'm really excited for this next semester to start. I'm taking some really cool classes (like Steel Band!) and I'm back to having a crazy full load. Will probably end up being 19-20 sh. But that's what I like.

Boy

So here's the back story:

We met in marching band (?) last year, didn't hang out a whole lot, but were good acquaintances. So this year we start hanging out quite a bit, he likes to cook so we would all meet at his place and study, cook, eat, have a good time. Never really considered him a romantic interest, mostly because I was in a relationship. When that fell through, we were still hanging out all the time. I'm not sure when it happened, but things kind of turned from friendship to a little more than that. But neither of us really acknowledged it, which at the time I was ok with. I wasn't really wanting a relationship. But days turned into weeks until it's December and our little nonrelationship is still happening, and my feelings have changed. Everyone's telling me to just talk to him, which anyone that knows me I cannot do AT ALL. I don't know why, but I think I was so worried about getting a negative response. I guess nothing is better than bad? Yeah...that didn't fly. Talked to B about it (which, a little awkward? but good) and he kind of knocked some sense into me.

So it gets to be New Years, we went to a party together, midnight rolls around and no kiss for this girl. Naturally, I'm upset. Upset enough to finally deal with the situation, basically told him "Hey, I like you, are you dumb?" There was more said than that, but the end result is we finally (IT'S ABOUT FREAKING TIME) acknowledged we are into each other. And guess what. We're going on an actual, legit date. Tonight. AHHHHHH. So we'll see what happens. But I'm excited!

In conclusion...

Life

I feel like my old self again. Like in high school, when I was crazy busy but I had my shit together., I had really good friends, I had a good relationship, etc. It's taken me awhile to get back to that place, but it finally feels right. I'm just genuinely happy, and I haven't been in a long time.

What? Happy post?!

Oh man. I think (cross your fingers) I will have some good news in relation to the previous post soon...we'll see. But right now it's all :D

Oh, yeah. I'm going to Miami for the bowl game! Maybe I'll update when I get back.

That's all.

:)