I don't know why I always do this. It's so dumb, and it makes me sick. Like, physically sick. Stomach churning, migraine inducing, can't focus sick. It's always the same triggers too.
A) I think someone forgot about me - I'm sitting, waiting for someone to call me or text me about hanging out like they said they would. Or waiting to get picked up, but the person is late.
Thoughts: Where are they? What if they forgot me. Maybe they never wanted to hang out in the first place. They were just feeding me a line to make me feel better. They don't even like me.
B) I have to play in front of my peers and I don't feel %100 ready
Thoughts: They know I didn't prepare enough. They're all judging me. I'm a terrible trumpet player. Why am I even here, I don't deserve to be in this studio. I should probably give up.
C) "Significant Other" can't/doesn't want to hang out with me (this is the specific cause this evening)
Thoughts: Why don't they want to see me? What did I do wrong. Maybe he doesn't like me as much as I thought he did. What has he been doing weird lately...oh god. He was acting different [recent time we hung out] and [did some random thing I take as bad news]. He's going to break up with me. I can't go through this again.
And here we sit. Unable to focus on anything. Can't do homework, can't zone out watching the food network. I even tried transcribing choral pieces to brass quintets (one of my secret nerd pastimes). Nothing feels good, nothing works. I know I'm being stupid and irrational and weird. But I don't want to be clingy girlfriend. So I won't say anything. Maybe it's just because we've seen each other every day since we've started dating. But I'm going crazy. Fuck.
I am not crazy girlfriend.
But please make the pain stop.
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